5 Times Plus 1 (Smile) though your heart is aching
by paradoxpandax
Summary: Five times Kurt was as fragile as porcelain (plus!) one time he was strong. (In-Progress!)
1. One : Loss

**A/N:** Kurt Hummel must be protected at all costs. I remember a interview with Chris Colfer, where he talked about how women will hug him and refuse to let go and they have to be forcibly dragged off. I thought that was kinda hilarious! And also a little creepy, but hey. That precious cherub face, with his lil book series and angelic voice, too good for this world. I've always wanted to write a 5 + 1 so here ya go. This will combine all the things I love like angst, hurt/comfort, humor, Kurt, baby Kurt, completely functional and lovable relationships, did I mention Kurt? Enjoy and please review.

 **P.s** If you haven't read it yet, or you're interested, please check out my in-progress series You Found Me. Kurt is a guardian angel, sent to save Blaine's life. I would love to get a few more follows! And of course it makes me happy to know people are reading and enjoying my stories. Have a great day babes!

Disclaimer: I own... My iPad. That's it. Nothing else.

* * *

 **1\. Loss**

It may be hard to imagine when you can't see beyond his perfected bitch face and demeanor of upmost superiority, but once upon a time Kurt Hummel was a _very_ happy child. Life was simpler back in the days of his early childhood, long before high school and ignorant intolerance suffocated his optimism.

When Kurt was four years old, he knew he liked tea parties and other girly things and that was okay. He didn't think it was weird or wrong and his parents never discouraged him. He played with action figures but unlike other boys his toys didn't fight, they got _married_. Kurt would spend hours planning and acting out their fabulous weddings and it was glorious.

Kurt was happy and he loved his parents more than anything in the world. But for the first time in his life, he would lose something that was very important to him. While the Kurt of the future had already experienced much loss and pain, learning to cope with his attitude of superiority and biting wit, the Kurt of the past had so far been successfully sheltered from anything that would jade him.

He didn't know bad things could happen suddenly and without reason, like in the middle of the night, when he woke up to his mommy retching in the bathroom and his daddy comforting her. Kurt didn't know about loss, how someone could just _disappear_ from your life without warning. But he knew he had a very bad feeling.

* * *

Kurt hated the hospital. It was loud and too bright, and it smelled like a horrible mixture of bleach and sick people. Kurt had a very sensitive nose just like his mommy. He was pretty sure his daddy's nose was broken. It had to be since he had the smelliest socks in the world.

He didn't want to be here, even if he was only visiting. And he didn't want to think about how his mommy had been here for weeks and _when was she coming home?_ Kurt missed the smell of her flowery perfume, and he missed her cooking because his daddy might fix cars but he wasn't a very good cook. Kurt decided it was for the best if his mommy didn't know he had two or three slim jims and burnt toast for breakfast every morning since she'd been gone.

But as long as he got to hug her everyday, and tell her about his day, and give her his homemade Get Well Soon cards, Kurt tolerated the hospital for the time being. Besides, his mommy wouldn't be here for much longer.

He stared out the window at the buildings passing by and hummed along to the song playing on the radio. Maybe he should ask daddy just to be sure. He looked towards the drivers seat where his daddy was, wearing his ball cap like always. Kurt didn't like hats because they messed up his hair.

"Mommy's coming home soon, isn't she daddy?"

His daddy met his eyes in the rear view mirror and Kurt thought he looked pretty sad. "I sure hope so, kiddo."

Kurt bit his lip and turned to watch the moving scenery again. _Please be okay mommy._

* * *

Kurt stared at the casket being lowered into the ground. How could his mommy be inside that wooden box, stiff and cold? It seemed like only yesterday when she was alive and joyful, singing in a lovely soprano voice and swinging Kurt around with her as she danced.

I want my mom. _I want my mommy._

Kurt didn't realize he was crying but his daddy did. He was scooped up into his father's arms like he was four years old again, but it didn't matter in that moment that he was getting too old to be picked up. Nothing really mattered that day because he was heartbroken and he needed his daddy's love and comfort. He buried his face in Burt's neck and sobbed quietly.

He didn't remember falling asleep but he woke up as his daddy was buckling him in. Burt kissed his forehead and draped his coat over Kurt's lap. "It's okay, kiddo. It's gonna be okay."

Kurt rubbed his eyes and pulled the coat up so he could put his little arms through the sleeves. The coat practically engulfed him but he didn't care. It smelled like his daddy, like cheap cologne and grease, but it made him feel safe. He felt pretty vulnerable and scared right now.

His daddy drove and it was silent for a little while, before Burt reached to turn the radio up and _oh it was this song- their song!_

 _You are the sunshine of my life_  
 _That's why I'll always be around_

Burt started singing along, loudly and a little tone deaf, but this was their special song.

 _You are the apple of my eye_  
 _Forever you'll stay in my heart_  
 _I feel like this is the beginning_

 _Though I've loved you for a million years_  
 _And if I thought our love was ending_  
 _I'd find myself drowning in my own tears_

 _You are the sunshine of my life_  
 _That's why I'll always stay around_  
 _You are the apple of my eye_  
 _Forever you'll stay in my heart_

Kurt didn't smile, he wouldn't for a long time. But he knew he daddy loved him and love prevailed over loss. _Everything would be okay._

* * *

 _~tbc~_


	2. Two : Sacred

**A/N:** _Guys_ I wrote close to 4,000 words! What the heck! It's like I broke my own record or something. I used to primarily write drabbles so whenever I produce something a few thousand words long I'm like wait what I wrote _this?_ So this chapter is about the events in Grilled Cheesus, and includes some nice little missing scenes. Grilled Cheesus is one of my favorite episodes, I feel like it really delves into Kurt's character and inner turmoil, y'know all that stuff that hurt/comfort stuff junkies like me crave. I really hope you like this chapter :) Please review!

 **P.s:** I will be taking requests, if anyone has a specific episode they want me to dissect into a chapter. It can even be one of Kurt's memories. Just make sure it involves Kurt angst and vulnerability. Let's face it, Kurt goes through quite a bit. I have plenty of writing material. Poor baby!

Warnings: Bullying and some language, nothing serious enough to change the rating.

Disclaimer: I own nothing besides a weak grasp of my remaining sanity.

* * *

 **2\. Sacred**

 _"The whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on."_

Kurt didn't know what the big deal was. There would be a lot more of their Friday night dinners, and this was a once a year event! The Sound of Music was sacred to him, Kurt Von Trapp was his namesake after all. It had been his mom's favorite musical and this was a _sing-along_ for goodness sakes! He knew his dad loved him and missed spending time with him, but Kurt didn't exactly want to share with his dad what he'd been going through at school for the past few weeks either.

McKinley High was his own personal hell as he was targeted everyday by Azimio and Karofsky. Slammed into lockers, slushy soaks, homophobic slurs. Kurt wanted nothing to do with the sweaty gorillas, but he they never relented, if anything the bullying only got worse.

 **...**

 _"Hey I'm talking to you, Hummel!"_

 _He was shoved from behind with enough force to make him lose his balance and fall on his knees. He clenched his teeth in anger and slowly got to his feet._

 _Kurt turned around to glare at his bullies._ _"_ _Go to hell." he growled at them._

 _Karofsky grabbed onto the lapels of his jacket and slammed Kurt up against the lockers. "That's no way to talk to the top of the food chain, ladyboy."_

 _"Get your filthy hands off of me, Karofsky!" snapped Kurt, struggling and pushing at the jock's hands._

 _Azimio snorted his laugh._ _"I'm sure his hands aren't any filthier than your knees, lady!"_

 **...**

It was almost easier to accept why bullies would target and torment him, they meant absolutely nothing to him. Haters would forever hate on Kurt Hummel, because he shined the brightest in any crowd. And he was proud of that. If this was the price he had to pay, then so be it. Besides, his ongoing suffering would make for a heartbreaking yet compelling fighter story in his future best-selling memoir, and possible biopic.

But it hurt that the people who were supposed to be his closest friends didn't notice his pain. His friends might've been too wrapped up in themselves, or maybe they were just incredibly unobservant. It didn't matter if he walked and danced a little stiffer one day or smelled like a slushy the next, because no one questioned him to see if he was okay. Not even Finn, who had more of a clue than anyone else as to what was going on and chose to ignore it in favor of his popularity. Kurt was beginning to grow despondent to everyone around him because he felt completely alone.

He was trying to hold onto anything that gave him happiness, even if it was only temporary. That's why he was going to the sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale theater this Friday, and his dad would just have to get over it. It's not like anyone would notice him at the table with Finn there, always chattering excitedly about football.

 **...**

Kurt stared at his father's big hand clutched by his smaller pale one and wondered how he could be so stupid. This morning he'd been remarkably selfish and the worst part was his idiotic assumption that nothing would happen between now and next Friday to prevent their family tradition. The tradition that his mom started when he was just a young boy. He should've known better.

He would trade everything he supposedly held sacred, his designer clothes, his moisturizers, his car, and even that damn sing-along, if it meant he would get his father back. He didn't care about anything else. And he hated himself for realizing that his father was his #1 priority at the worst possible time, when it might be too late to matter.

It took quite a bit of convincing to make Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury leave him alone, but Kurt was very insistent. He was fine, he would be fine, he just wanted to be with his dad and _could one of them please make sure he got a pass or something for missing the rest of the school day?_ Thank you, yes I'm sure, _goodbye_ , I'll see you tomorrow.

Once they were finally gone, Kurt retreated back into the drab hospital room. He sank into the chair beside his dad's hospital bed and reached out to take his hand again.

"Oh dad," A few tears escaped, rolled down his cheeks. Kurt didn't bother to wipe them away. "I really need your strength right now."

He clutched his dad's hand tighter. _Please be okay._

 ** _..._**

Kurt eventually called Carole to tell her what happened. She stopped by to give him a tight hug and ask him if he needed anything. She wanted Kurt to come stay with her and Finn, but Kurt didn't think that was a good idea. He'd kept a somewhat bitter distance from Finn since the Faggy Lamp incident.

He still couldn't believe what high hopes he'd had for such a unrealistic crush. Even if Finn wasn't straight as an arrow, he was too obsessed with his status. His status in high school for God's sakes. No, Kurt needed some one who wasn't afraid to be with him.

So he told Carole he'd think about it, with no plans to do so. Kurt didn't want to leave his father's side but he was forced out by a nurse after hospital visiting hours were over. He might've argued more if he didn't have school tomorrow.

And he was freaking exhausted. He was ready for this day to be over. Maybe he'd wake up and find that it was some horrible dream that his guilty conscience conjured up to torment him.

 **...**

Kurt woke up to a empty house and a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hadn't dreamed the horrible events of yesterday, his dad was in the hospital and he was alone. He got ready as quickly as he could and left before the eeriness overtook him.

Everyone at school was staring at him or giving him sympathetic looks. Kurt usually adored being the center of attention but not right now. His face was blotchy from crying and his outfit was a half hearted attempt to look presentable. At least his hair looked decent.

He went through the motions of a typical school day with a weird sort of numbness, almost as if he were detached from reality. People talked all around him, bells rang, locker doors slammed, but he didn't feel like he was in the present today.

He was the first one in the classroom when it came time for Glee club. His friends started filing in shortly after, several of them stopped to hug him or give their condolences.

When Finn charged into the room, demanding an explanation, he simply didn't have the energy for such a dramatic confrontation. Kurt ended up shaking his head in disgust before Finn backed off like a scolded dog.

The only family that mattered to Kurt right now was his father. Since when did Finn want them to be a family? He certainly couldn't remember doing anything that might fit into Finn's agenda to become the most popular guy in school. Kurt would have to ignore Finn until he was in the state of mind to figure out what the hell his life was right now.

And then, as if things weren't complicated enough, Mercedes to sing her feelings to Kurt- her feelings about turning to God in times like _this_. Kurt appreciated her heart, he truly did. But this whole religion kick was more than he could handle right now. Kurt stated his beliefs or lack thereof and the Glee club couldn't take no for an answer. He left Glee club early because the atmosphere in the classroom was beginning to suffocate him.

* * *

Kurt came to school that day with a heavy heart. He'd spent hours at the hospital the night before, holding his father's hand and talking to him. But there was no change in his condition, only the ever-present beeping from the monitor and the quiet bustle of the hospital.

As he was leaving homeroom, Becky Jackson appeared and grabbed his sleeve.

"Coach wants to see you!" she yelled up at him and then proceeded to practically drag him to Coach Slyvester's office.

Sue Sylvester was extremely talented at using people to get what she wanted, so it really didn't come as a surprise that she wanted him to help her complain to the school board about the religion issue. The last thing Kurt wanted to do was fuel Sue's fire, but he really didn't think he could take much more of the Glee club's week of spirituality.

His only other option was to quit and avoid his friend's entirely, but Kurt didn't want to do that. Glee club saved his life once, and somedays it was the only thing that kept him sane and focused. This just happened to be the week from hell for him.

"I want to be your champion."

"Okay, I'll do it."

" _Outstanding._ "

* * *

 _Winter storms have come_  
 _And darkened my sun_  
 _After all that I've been through_  
 _Who on earth can I turn to_

The aftermath of complaining to the school board was almost worse than hearing his friends sing about God everyday. There was a lot of whining and passive aggressive comments directed at him. But he'd made his choice, and there was no turning back now. He was sick of everyone's selfishness. Didn't they realize that more than anything else in the world he just wanted his dad to be okay? Or were they really so caught up in their own lives that Kurt Hummel's feelings were inconsequential?

His friends gave him a wide berth for the most part, of which he was somewhat relieved about. Finn was constantly giving him these sad puppy dog faces but Kurt wouldn't talk to him. He didn't want anyone's sympathy, prayers, or pity. Dealing with bullies was one thing, but with his father in the hospital he felt emotionally shutdown to everyone around him.

Maybe some things had to get worse before they got better.

 **...**

Maybe some things just continue to get worse and you begin to lose hope that it will get better.

Kurt was somewhat shocked to find his friends praying in his dad's hospital room. His shock slowly morphed into anger and he found himself trembling as he watched them _sing_ over his comatose father. Was this some kind of cruel joke? He prevented them from cramming religion down his throat in the classroom, so _what_ they all joined together to ambush him in his dad's hospital room?

He asked them to leave quietly, he was almost too angry to yell at anyone. Right now he was focused on healing his dad using proven medical science, not prayers. As the Sikh prepared her needles to begin the acupuncture, Kurt blew out all of the candles they'd lit and returned to his dad's bedside. _I'm here, dad. Please wake up soon._

 **...**

 _Young Kurt felt small and vulnerable, like a strong wind could knock him right over. He had a paranoid feeling that at any moment his daddy would disappear and he would be parentless. He looked up at his daddy just to make sure he was still there. Burt reached to take his little hand and squeezed it tight._

 _Kurt stared at the casket being lowered into the ground. How could his mommy be inside that wooden box, stiff and cold? It seemed like only yesterday when she was alive and joyful, singing in a lovely soprano voice and swinging Kurt around with her as she danced._

 _I want my mom. I want my mommy._

 _Kurt didn't realize he was crying but his daddy did. He was scooped up into his father's arms like he was four years old again, but it didn't matter in that moment that he was getting too old to be picked up. Nothing really mattered that day because he was heartbroken and he needed his daddy's love and comfort. He buried his face in Burt's neck and sobbed quietly._

 **...**

Kurt gripped his dad's hand and a sad smile appeared on his face. "I know what song I'm going to sing for you in Glee club, dad. You'll probably think it's cheesy but I think it's perfect."

* * *

 _Oh yeah I tell you somethin'_  
 _I think you'll understand_  
 _When I say that somethin'_  
 _I want to hold your hand_  
 _I want to hold your hand_  
 _I want to hold your hand_

Kurt knew he'd been pushing everyone away lately. He thought he was being strong, but in reality he was only punishing himself. So he was thankful for Mercedes breaking the ice between them and inviting him to her church on Sunday. His life was a miserable wreck, and he needed his friends to help him get through it in one piece. He stuck with Mercedes for the rest of the day and found himself feeling better than he had in a while.

 **...**

"Hey Kurt! Wait up!"

Finn jogged towards him in the parking lot before he got into his car. He was out of breath and looked very unsure of himself. "Um, hey dude."

Kurt pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you want, Finn?"

"Look dude, I just..." Finn was staring at his shoes and scratching the back of his head. "I'm sorry for everything you're going through and I... well I guess I'm sorry for not being a very good sorta-brother."

Kurt sighed. How he could he stay mad at Finn Hudson? The boy had this earnest quality about him that reeled Kurt in every time. Once upon a time, Kurt fell in love with a not-very-bright, _overgrown_ , earnest boy.

"It's okay, Finn."

Finn's face lit up into a huge grin. "Awesome! Look, my mom wanted me to ask you to... you know, stay with us for a little while."

"Finn, I don't know-"

"Please dude, and don't say no just because of me. I still feel really bad about yelling at you, and I want to try. And my mom really cares about you, okay?"

Kurt inhaled through his nose and held it for a second. "Okay." he exhaled slowly.

"Cool bro!" Finn reached a hand out to pat him on the shoulder, paused for a second, and then pulled him into a tight hug. Kurt was tense and not really sure how he felt about this before he relaxed a bit and returned the hug. It was nice.

 **...**

Carole unlocked the door to her house and and quietly slipped inside. It was 1:20 a.m and she was _glad_ to be home. Night shifts at the hospital were exhausting and she couldn't wait to take a hot shower and climb into bed.

She poured a glass of water for herself in the kitchen before going around and turning off all of the lights. Predictably, Finn was still awake in his bedroom and playing one those stupid video games. Carole opened his door and stepped inside. Finn was sitting at the foot of his bed, thumbs working away on the controller and his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.

"Hey mom." He barely glanced in her direction.

"Honey you should be-" Carole stopped mid-sentence when she saw who _was_ asleep on Finn's bed. Kurt was curled up on top of the covers, a thick textbook lay open beside him and a pencil was loosely clutched in his right hand.

Finn paused the game and twisted his head around to look at Kurt. "Oh yeah I forgot to call you," He turned back to give her a wide grin. "Kurt's gonna stay with us!"

"Shhh! Don't wake him up." Carole walked over to the bed where she picked up the textbook and took the pencil from his hand. She set those aside and turned back to gently readjust Kurt so the blankets were over him. Kurt stirred a little but stayed asleep.

"Poor sweetie," Carole whispered as she brushed his hair back from his forehead. "He must be exhausted."

She walked towards the door and turned back to look at Finn when she reached the doorway. "Thanks for looking out for him, Finn. I'll make up a bed for you on the couch. Turn the TV off, okay?"

"But mom I'm almost done-"

" _Now_ , Finn."

* * *

 ** _"I know you don't believe in God, and you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've got to believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, without something to hold onto, and without something that's sacred."_**

 _When you're weary, feeling small_  
 _When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)_  
 _I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough_  
 _And friends just can't be found_  
 _Like a bridge over troubled water_  
 _I will lay me down_  
 _Like a bridge over troubled water_  
 _I will lay me down_

 _When you're down and out_  
 _When you're on the street_  
 _When evening falls so hard_  
 _I will comfort you (ooo)_  
 _I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes_  
 _And pain is all around_  
 _Like a bridge over troubled water_  
 _I will lay me down_  
 _Like a bridge over troubled water_  
 _I will lay me down_

* * *

 _Burt frowned at the raw chicken on the counter and rubbed his head. To say he was feeling overwhelmed would be an understatement. He'd never cooked a chicken before in his life and didn't even know where to start. He was a mechanic, he liked getting his hands dirty with grease and oil._ _The kitchen was foreign territory to him._

 _This was the first Friday since his wife's funeral, and Friday night dinner was a tradition Liz started after Kurt was born. The uncooked chicken represented just one of many challenges Burt would face as a single father, and it was up to him to keep their family traditions sacred. He couldn't let his son down._

 _He walked over to the sliding door to make sure Kurt was okay. He was playing quietly in the backyard, surrounded by his power rangers and ninja turtle action figures. His son, always so bright and bubbly, had slowly become sad and withdrawn over the past few weeks._

 _Burt didn't know how a kid so young was supposed to handle losing his mother. He didn't know how to makes things easier, but he was going to try to make things better for the both of them. Starting with the chicken that he had no idea what to do with. He was going to cook that damn chicken one way or another, and they would have a nice, normal dinner together._

 _Twenty minutes later, he pulled the chicken out of the oven and squinted at it. Was it browner than it had been before he put it in the oven? Burt shrugged. He figured it was cooked enough._

 _He called Kurt inside and went to hunt down silverware and plates. He lived in this house for years and he didn't know where anything was in the kitchen._ _The sliding door opened and closed quietly and Kurt walked over to the sink to wash his hands without being asked. It was a good thing too, because Burt wouldn't have thought of it._

 _Burt was busy opening and closing all of the drawers and cabinets. "Top drawer below the mixer, daddy."_

 _"Huh?" Burt stopped his search and turned around to look at Kurt._

 _Kurt pointed at the aforementioned drawer. "The silverware. And the plates and glasses are in the cabinet beside the sink. I would get them, but I can't reach."_

 _Burt rubbed the back of his neck and nodded. "Um thanks kiddo. Go ahead and sit down."_

 _Kurt walked over to the dining room to sit down at his usual spot and set his pink power ranger on the table in front of him. Burt brought over two plates and some silverware, before going back to collect the chicken and a knife. He set the chicken down in the middle of the table and lifted the knife to cut into it. Kurt watched him patiently, his hands folded in his lap._

 _Burt cut into the chicken and his heart dropped when he realized it was completely raw inside. He looked at Kurt, and Kurt looked back at him, and for a moment there was silence as they stared at each other with wide eyes. And then something delightful happened. They both cracked up, and laughed until they couldn't breathe._

 _"Look's like it's pizza tonight, kiddo!" Burt managed to wheeze, after he recovered somewhat. They laughed even more._

* * *

 _"You and me, that's what's sacred to me. And I am... so sorry that I never got to tell you that."_

Kurt thought it was his imagination at first. Maybe he finally going insane from all of the stress in his life. But no, his dad's fingers were moving. Albeit very slowly, but they were _moving_.

"Dad, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He clutched onto his dad's hand with both of his.

His dad started to stir awake, moving his head a little and eyes moving under closed lids. Kurt was overwhelmed with happiness, he almost couldn't believe it.

"I love you so much, dad."

* * *

 ** _~tbc~_**


	3. Important Note!

**Thank you for following this story. Hopefully I can give you an update soon! I've been somewhat sidetracked lately, which as most of you know can happen quite easily to fan fiction authors. The point of this note however, is to let you guys know that I've moved to AO3 and I'll be continuing my stories there. If you want to check for updates, please go to my AO3 account under the username paradoxpanda. Thanks again!**


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